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Kirkit Kirkit Kirkit

26 Apr
Kirkit Kirkit Kirkit

What’s up with all this kirkit business? Everyone seems to have lost their mind.

The way everybody and their father’s newspaper is weeping and wailing, you’d think they thought the IPL stood for the Indian Prayer League and it was a charitable institution built to eradicate India’s poverty problem by harnessing the power of cricket. How can you have sat through three years of the cheese-laden spectacle of the IPL and not known there was massive amounts of money at play? And that eventually it was going to go down in flames of Biblical proportions? I have a rule: the moment an entity’s success becomes evident enough for the mainstream media to take note, scandal must be right around the corner. Like night follows day.

And really, what exactly is the scandal here? That a cabinet minister has a social-climbing girlfriend and the new czar of mega-bucks cricket is a crookish brat? Good Golly, Miss Molly, say I, clutching my pearls.

Let’s talk Shashi Tharoor for a second: a man less suited to be a politician in India, especially of the Congress kind, I’ve seldom seen. I’m too young to remember when Amitabh Bachchan flamed out of Parliament, but I suspect even he was a more competent Congressman than Tharoor, who’s apparently never heard the Congress motto – “Lie low and prosper long.”

So you’re smart, funny and like the ladies? Throw discreet little dinner parties and show off in front of your friends. Word will eventually trickle down to the hoi polloi that you’re awesome and they’ll never know it’s because you and your girlfriend do an amazingly caliente mambo when the booze is at full flow. Does that suck? Is it a terrible system designed to hide the real face of our beloved leaders from the public? Not to mention their twinkle toes and mad moves? You betcha. But if you want to be a cabinet minister, then them’s the breaks.

Remember how you and your friends at the UN used to bitch about the member countries being such pains-in-the-ass? Well, guess what? Now you’re part and parcel of the circus that runs the memberiest of those member countries. I bet it sounded like a sweet career move on paper, but you just signed on to a pit of vipers.

And then there’s Lalit Modi. Is he a crook? Probably. I can’t think of even a handful of business people anywhere in the world who got to be successes at Modi’s level without getting their hands dirty at some point. And that saintly handful who float above the rest probably hire people who’ll roll in the dirt on their behalf for the right amount.

The problem with Modi is either hubris or idiocy. Did he really think he wouldn’t get audited at some point? With the kind of cash he was presiding over? Or that he could pick a fight with a cabinet minister and not get raided? If I’d been him, I’d have kept my nose cleaner than surgical tools just in case. My accounts would have been a thing of beauty, worthy of preservation in the Museum of Chartered Accountancy. What’s that you say? There’s no such thing? Well, they’d have built one to house my records once they got a look at them.

[Digression: why is that, do you think, that crooks don't think of a CA as their primary investment? I'm assuming the motive to be a crook would be A) Money, which leads to B) Power, which leads to even more money. The kind of vicious cycle every crookster dreams of. But it's the dough that brings you down, fool. I'd think a fantastic CA is worth even more than an amazing enforcer because you need the former to safeguard the moolah to pay off your gang of bad guys. Sigh. Crime would have totally been my game if only it wasn't such a lot of hard work. I've never understood why they call it Easy Street. As if.]

But apart from possible financial improprieties, the whole notion of which are a joke given nobody really knows what the hell is going on in BCCI proper (let me guess, politicians are keen on cricket because they’re great sportspeople as the stellar state of our national sport, hockey, proves), what exactly is the song and dance about? Some serious looking people say this is all very sad because it brings “the game’s name into disrepute”. If match-fixing and lame-ass cheerleaders shaking their ass to Bollywood numbers didn’t do it, sweetheart, I don’t think you have anything to worry. And yet, everybody from the paati cheering Dhoni to the munna egging on Sachin is having hysterics – but why?

Going by the similar Modi bios in sources as diverse as Outlook and The Mumbai Mirror, which also arrive at pretty much the same conclusion, it appears Modi’s greatest crime is that he’s a rich brat who got even richer and didn’t even have the grace to be humble about it. Well, that’s never happened before. Cry me a river.

Perhaps more than any other country, India is quite well-acquainted with the Girl Scout model of business. You know what I mean: when the scouts have (delicious) cookies to sell, the first stop is always friends and family and then the neighborhood. Obviously, there is a difference between the Girl Scout economy and the IPL one. A vast one. But the point is, in a country where family-owned business are still the norm, where politics is a dynastic exercise, it is beyond hypocritical to act as though Modi invented the whole sell to your family system. The richest .01% of India who own every stone on every pavement from Leh to Kanyakumari are an incredibly incestuous lot.

Read the various Modi bios, and you’d come away thinking he was the only rich brat to enter the hallowed halls of cricket in India. Hooey. Take a look at the BCCI: it’s where industrialists go to practice their power moves. From AC Muthiah (currently suing Modi’s reported bete noir and his own arch rival N. Srinivasan of India Cements for his allegedly unethical ownership of Chennai Super Kings. His cousin and Home Minister P. Chidambaram has reportedly been tasked with untangling the IPL mess) to Jagmohan Dalmiya to Sharad Pawar, each of them is “connected” up the wazoo.

Consider, for instance, Modi’s interim replacement: Chiriyu Amin. From their super-rich industrialist fathers to their privileged upbringing, there’s little to choose between the two. The only son of Ramanbhai Amin of Alembic pharmaceuticals is not exactly an inoffensive wonk who plodded his way up the ladder.

The only real difference between them is that Modi, younger and infinitely more flamboyant, is the perfect product of the brash 80s, combining cocaine, assault, an Ivy League education, and general uselessness with elan and doing it right in the open. Meanwhile Amin is the kid from the 60s who sneaks off to deserted balconies of posh hotels in the middle of parties to discreetly down tumblers of Scotch and mutton kebabs so that his vegetarian teetotaller parents don’t catch him.

This is why Modi is an enfant terrible, while Amin is a gentleman. India might make noises about young blood and change and blah blah, but there is a System and you’d have to pry it out of the cold dead hands of aged uncle-jis before they let you mess with it. And then beware the wrath of their minions, racing to take up where their mentors left off.

The funny thing about this whole brouhaha is that Modi and Tharoor are really two sides of the same coin (here’re their statements after getting kicked in the nuts: Tharoor, Modi. Boil it down and what do you see? They’re just two misunderstood patriots, y’all!). Both of them were brought down by their hubris; their conviction that they were unique enough and valuable enough that they could skate on consequences. That’s the problem with both: the Golden Kid and the Kid with Gold. Neither of them has any real understanding of their place.

The plus factor, of course, is that nothing bad ever happens to them. Tharoor will be back and he’ll have learned enough to mind his girlfriends. Modi will be back too and he’ll have learned enough to mind his tweets.

Meanwhile, there is this whole country full of pressing problems and all sorts of crookery emanating from the highest levels of government and nobody cares because the biggest problem facing India today is apparently Lalit Modi’s outrageous spa habit.

Cricketainment. Needs a fucking rest.

 
9 Comments

Posted by on April 26, 2010 in Entertainment, Life, News, Newsmakers, Politics

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

9 responses to “Kirkit Kirkit Kirkit

  1. piyush

    April 26, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    man Mahesh Bhatt must be itching to make a movie on this Lalit Modi scandal. The worst part is that the movie will probably be released before the completion of “investigation”

     
  2. Gradwolf

    April 26, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Two things.

    1. Chennai won. Yay! :P

    2. The T20 World Cup starting Thursday.

    Just a week or two before people forget about this.

    It should actually be Go Cricket. Fuck Cricketainment

     
  3. Savvy

    April 26, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Hm. . An interesting piece. . I agree with ya that the Uncle-jis won’t let the young bloods mess with their authority. . I believe Tharoor was not liked by his colleagues and hence his downfall and same goes for Modi. . I guess they are two sides of the same coin as u said. .
    And now after IPL its T-20 world cup. . Give me a break!

     
  4. sachita

    April 27, 2010 at 3:03 am

    need to move to Mauritius all the companies seem to have their origins there.

    you know what is the hard part – to digest the surprise/shock the news agencies on news item i read from their website couple of years ago(like lalit modi owning rr). orey the conpusion

     
  5. DewdropDream

    April 27, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Well said, Amrita!

    I read a few pieces yesterday on this ‘issue’ and I was hard pressed to find anything new or partcularly newsworthy in it. We’ve been through it all before … match-fixing, too much money attracting attention and scandal … what’s so remarkable about this? It isn’t a good thing, but just how is it helping to keep on talking about it?

    Bollywood has the last word though. “Kiriketti piriketti kuch nai, yahan operasan hone waala hai” (I think, from Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron … or so my mother’s said a few hundred times)

     
  6. ramesh

    April 27, 2010 at 7:30 am

    shashi tharoor wasn’t in the cabinet .. he was a minister of state

     
  7. M

    April 27, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Hear Hear! Could you send this to ALL the major newspapers and magazines?!

    Same-old, Same-old and everyone getting their chuddies in a twist…BTW, I heard one heartbroken person say their faith in humanity was challenged because “even SRK seems to have done financial irregularities!” :)

    Everytime I tell myself I am too cynical for my own good, something like this comes along to remind me that no, I’m not – it’s all normal!

     
  8. Amrita

    April 27, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Piyush – dont you mean Madhur Bhandarkar? :D The story of a sad cheerleader! Or maybe RGV in which case it will all be thankfully out of focus.

    Adithya – as long as I dont have to hear about it and pretend like the private squabbles and crookish dealings of a bunch of multimillionaires is somehow comparable to actual problems, it’s all good :)

    Savvy – no rest for the wicked :(

    Sachita – hahahaha! But it happened TWO YEARS AGO! It might as well have never happened!

    3D – I dont remember that line but its hilarious! I shall use it someday! :D

    Ramesh – my mistake :) I tend to lump all three tiers as the cabinet. the world doesnt run by my definitions however. edited.

    M – lol @ the SRK comment! Aiyyo, the poor baby. Cynics like us will never be out of style, I’m afraid.

     
  9. Foot Sees

    April 27, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Since I don’t much care/know about Cricket or Politics (as they pertain to current climes), I decided to have me a good ol’ time reading this thru the lens of my Grid Theory (remember, from MNIK?) — and look at what I ripped right out of *your* fabulous write-up? Yes, a Beatles-style (ha, if only!) song-verse: :-P

    Lie low… long

    IPL…Indian Prayer League
    ..three years of cheese-laden spectacle…
    Good Golly, Miss Molly…do an amazingly caliente mambo
    When the booze is at full flow…a sweet career move?

    ..it’s a terrible system…hide the Real face
    ..from the public…their twinkle toes and mad moves
    ..thems the breaks!

    ..Remember…you and your friends
    ..being such pains-in-the-ass…Well, guess what?
    Now you’re part and parcel of the circus…that runs
    ..countries

    ..I bet it sounded like a sweet career move on paper,
    but you just signed on to a pit of vipers…
    And then there’s Om…lit dial!

    Is he a crook?
    ..a handful of people…getting their hands dirty
    ..And that saintly handful, who float above the rest
    ..people…roll in the dirt on their behalf…

    The problem with “Om” is “Id”…either hubris or idiocy
    ..Did he really think he wouldn’t
    ..Or that he couldn’t, get raided?…

    If I’d been him…a thing of beauty,
    worthy of preservation
    in the Museum…

    What’s that you say?
    There’s no such thing?
    Well, they’d have built one to house my records…

    But it’s the dough that brings you down, fool…
    fantastic CA…
    pay off your gang of bad guys.

    Sigh. Crime would have totally been my game,
    if only it wasn’t such a lot of hard work.
    I’ve never understood why they call it Easy Street…

    Possible improprieties…
    the whole notion of which are a joke
    given nobody really knows
    what the hell is going on…

    what exactly is the song and dance about?
    Some serious looking people say this is all very sad
    because it brings “the game’s name into disrepute”…

    Lame-ass cheerleaders shaking their ass to Bollywood numbers…
    Sweetheart, I don’t think you have anything to worry…
    everybody from the paati cheering…
    egging on…having hysterics –- but why?

    ..the same conclusion, it appears so dim…
    crime is, he’s a rich brat who got even richer
    and didn’t even have the grace to be humble about it…

    Cry me a river.
    Perhaps more than any other country…Girl
    ..You know what I mean: when the scouts have (delicious) cookies to sell,
    the first stop is always friends and family…Obviously

    ..politics is…beyond hypocritical
    ..every stone…from Leh to Kanyakumari
    ..incredibly incestuous.

    The only rich brat
    to enter the hallowed halls…oo8 ye.
    Take a look…go…practice…power moves

    ..bete noir…allegedly unethical
    ..Kings…cousin…minister
    ..untangling the mess…up the wazoo

    ..super-rich…father
    ..privileged upbringing, there’s little to choose
    between the two…

    The only Son…
    an inoffensive wonk who plodded his way up the ladder
    ..infinitely

    ..flamboyant
    ..perfect product of the brash 80s,
    combining cocaine, assault, an Ivy League education,
    and general uselessness, with elan
    and doing it right in the open…

    sneaks off to deserted balconies
    of posh hotels in the middle of parties
    to discreetly down tumblers of Scotch and mutton kebabs
    so that his vegetarian teetotaller parents don’t catch him…

    enfant terrible…
    a gentleman…
    young blood

    ..beware the wrath
    ..minions, racing to take up where their mentors left off.
    The funny thing,
    about this whole brouhaha

    ..two sides of the same coin
    ..after getting kicked in the nuts
    …Boil it down and what do you see?

    They’re just two misunderstood patriots.
    Both of them were brought down by their hubris;
    their conviction that they were unique enough and valuable enough
    that they could skate on consequences.

    That’s the problem with both:
    the Golden Kid and the Kid with Gold.
    Neither of them has any real understanding of their place.
    The plus factor, of course, is that nothing bad ever happens to them.

     
 
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