You know, it never even occurred to me but I have to admit, using a vacuum cleaner for carnal purposes is pretty well thought out. Deep throat would be nothing to it, I imagine. Unless your boy parts get stuck. In which case you’re never gonna live it down. Hey, no pain, no gain – right?
Everybody is apparently doing it – Polish hospital workers, Australian burglars, women who haven’t had sex in 15 years (now with video!). While the Polish hospital worker is no doubt responsible for contributing one of the best sentences ever written in a newspaper:
A stunned security guard stumbled onto the man in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its “nose”
this does makes me wonder if the man had just stumbled upon an ingenious method of masturbation (according to male friend who ought to know: “Not the hand, man. Anything‘s better than the hand.”) or whether he was into sex with inanimate objects in general.
Thanks to the internet, it’s no longer so “weird” to hear about people fixating sexually on objects. Apart from the people referenced in the links above, for instance, there’s the man who “sexually assaulted” a lamppost and that other guy who has no time for women but is a serial philanderer with cars (and the occasional famous helicopter):
Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men…”I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was having my first sexual urges.”
I understand this is a kind of fetish, but upon reflection I don’t really understand the outrage that accompanies such revelations. It is, of course, a bit much when people break into your home and rape your vacuum cleaner or do the dirty with your bicycle out in the open (get a room and get your own bicycle!), but if you were like Mr. Smith above and just went about your business at home, same as the rest of us – what’s the harm in that?
At most, one day he’ll end up trying a new position that leaves him attached to the exhaust pipe, but the only person who’d suffer in that scenario would be Mr. Smith himself. It’s not like the car would care. I know they call it a “hard on” but it’s still only human flesh – steel is going to win every time. Sorry, boys.
It’s one thing if you’re hitting on some poor dog or goat or some other animal, but unless you tell me a car is a deeply moral being with strong objections to interspecies intercourse, I don’t see the harm. After all, do you think anal beads like being inserted up your bum? Do you ask a vibrator if it is bisexual or has a gender preference before you buy it?
Frankly, Mr. Smith sounds a lot more invested in his cars than many men in their wives or girlfriends:
“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”
On the other hand, I once had a boyfriend who sang to me. I could make a case for torture.