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Living Legends of Sex

08 Aug

So here I was over at WWTDD, reading all about Denise Richards’ love of Charlie Sheen’s goodlooking sperm even if she can’t stand his actual person, when I found out he was #2 on Maxim’s list of Living Sex Legends.

Now, due to some reason or other, I haven’t been able to spend as much time reading girlie magazines as I should so forgive me if you already knew about this and I seem terribly outdated. I also have one question for you – why didn’t you tell me?! It clearly behooves me to pursue a closer relationship with Maxim – because Living Sex Legends? Let’s face it, that’s a list everybody wants to see.

Unfortunately, the list proved to be a rather disappointing one, the primary qualification for entry being the number of notches earned by various belts. I guess that’s important and everything but I’d have liked to see a more rigorous set of rules. I mean, we’re talking legends here, after all.

Anyway, here’s what it says about Charlie Sheen, winner of the penultimate spot in 2006:

The son of Martin and brother of Emilio Estevez has an infamous lust for hookers. The irony is, of course, that Charlie’s also quite capable of getting ladies who’ll do the deed gratis. It’s how he managed to rack up 5,000 pairs of boots knocked—including those of porn star Ginger Lynn and stunning soon-to-be ex-wife Denise Richards. Denise and Charlie have split, allegedly because she failed to take his observation, “You’re definitely one of the hottest 1,000 or so women I’ve banged, baby,” as a compliment (that’s top 20 percent, missy).

5000 women? Dude, that’s not a sexual history, that’s a sold out concert! It hardly even matters that that number is made up of porn stars and hookers as well as his costars and colleagues – with those odds stacked against him, he probably has an extremely exhausted guardian angel devoted to his sexual health. I’m surprised Richards actually had children with him much less wanting more! Surprised? Hell, I’m shocked!

But who was the man who sped past Sheen to the coveted spot at Number One? Italian hotel porter Umberto Billo.

Yup, ol’ Charlie got beat out by the bell boy. The complete list is as follows:

10. BILL WYMAN (of the Rolling Stones. Big surprise)

9. EARVIN “MAGIC” JOHNSON (formerly of the NBA, currently of AIDS)

8. LEMMY KILMISTER (of Motorheads. That does surprise me)

7. JACK NICHOLSON (I thought he’d win! This list is biased!)

6. ILIE NASTASE (Tennis player. Nicknamed “Nasty”. Um.)

5. ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK (!!!!) (I mean…!!!!) (No, seriously…!!!)

4. JULIO IGLESIAS (I’m still stuck on the Humperdinck but okay)

3. GENE SIMMONS (See, this makes sense to me but Humperdinck?)

2. CHARLIE SHEEN (Oh, I get it! It’s Hump-‘er-di[n]ck… aaarrrgghhh!)

1. UMBERTO BILLO (Eurotrash with grand total of 8000 women)

Legend Emeritus (coz he’s dead) is some guy I’ve never heard of by the name of Wilt Chamberlain. He was apparently a 300lb LA Laker who notched up 20,000 nicks on his bedpost. I’m probably going to hear from outraged Chamberlain fans now.

Like he cares! I’m sure he’d care a lot more if one of those manwhores up above knocked him off his perch.

[Above amazing pic from here. You should be so lucky at 70. Heck, you should be so lucky. Period.]

 
17 Comments

Posted by on August 8, 2007 in Celebrity, Entertainment

 

17 responses to “Living Legends of Sex

  1. Terri

    August 8, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Oh, Jack N is it? I was wondering who that fat guy on the boat was. He looks like one of the retirees in my subdivision.
    How does one get on the list? That Umberto guy isn’t rich or famous.

     
  2. Kokonad

    August 8, 2007 at 4:21 pm

    So I was looking over my accomplishments in life… and I came across this.

    Huh.

    (Btw, Jack Nicholson, really? :O )

     
  3. some body

    August 8, 2007 at 11:12 pm

    terri:

    “How does one get on the list? ”

    this is not a waiting list. and one needs to perform (exceedingly well) to get on the list. dogs not allowed (per my understanding!) :-)

    amrita:

    “Legend Emeritus (coz he’s dead) is some guy I’ve never heard of by the name of Wilt Chamberlain.”

    hmmm … haven’t heard of wilt the stilt?!! i’m not exactly a fan of the dude, but outraged i am! you’ll lose more brownie points if it turns out that you reside in the u s of a (the portion of your blog that i have read up to now has not helped me figure out your coordinates).

    speaking of notches on the bedpost, there was discussion going on whether lata (or rafi) had indeed sung 30,000 or 40,000 or 50,000 (or whatever) songs! in other words, where’s the proof of these numbers anyway?

    – s.b.

     
  4. Ramjee

    August 9, 2007 at 3:05 am

    8000 !!
    For the top slot. approximately one new in three days. (considering 60yrs of active life..)
    That’s something !! Whew….

    By the way how gets these numbers??

     
  5. some body

    August 9, 2007 at 8:25 am

    ramjee:

    from a quick count, once he is done with his vacation from his vocation, it looks like jack can take a week off from his avocation!

    – s.b.

     
  6. Amrita

    August 9, 2007 at 11:21 am

    Terri – LOL! He IS a retiree in a subdivision, just that his subdivision’s in St Tropez. And to get on the list you have to first whore yourself out and then act like a douche and brag about being a manwhore. That’ll do it. :P

    Koke – HAHAHAH! Well, he does have a couple of Oscars to display as well :D

    SB – :oops: erm, not a sporty person I’m afraid. And it’s pretty easy to find out where I am :) really it is!

    Ramjee – I dont have any first hand knowledge you understand :D , but I think there were multiple partners on single night and a lot, lot, lot of one night stands and hookers. Although the porter dude says all his groupies were guests at his hotel

     
  7. Aspi

    August 9, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    Wilt’s notches were by his own uh, admission – highly exaggerated if you ask me.

    And please – paying for sex should be automatically disqualified. What kind of a legend are you if you have to pay. That’s like Tommy Hilfiger saying his is the most published name on the planet.

     
  8. terri

    August 9, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    I take offense that there’s not a single worthy Indian male on this list. I sense a bias.

     
  9. Kokonad

    August 10, 2007 at 12:22 am

    Jack Nicholson looks like Jabba the Hutt.

     
  10. Desigirl

    August 10, 2007 at 3:17 am

    Ol’ man Jack N? You perv, you!

     
  11. Aspi

    August 10, 2007 at 11:14 am

    Kokonad, you are a master of visualization. Now I can’t get that image out of my head.

     
  12. Amrita

    August 10, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    Aspi – that’s what I think too! Hookers don’t count… what’s next, the hand? And the 20, 000… well, the man did die of heart failure :D

    Terri – wait for the hand edition :D

    Koke – thank you, for giving me something to dream about :P

    DG – excuse me, I like em oldER, not OLD. (no offense to any of my senior readers. I’m sure you’re all very attractive)

     
  13. Kokonad

    August 10, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    Heh heh.

    Aspi, if that can’t get the image out of your head, think what this will do – http://picasaweb.google.com/kokonad/Miscellany/photo?authkey=-7vvFhNtGCU#5097147133153634050

     
  14. Desigirl

    August 10, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    How do I find out which gems voted Englebert Humperdick whatchammacallim for this list?

     
  15. Amrita

    August 11, 2007 at 10:12 am

    Koke – that pic is genius! put it up on your blog!

    DG – nobody voted for anybody, those douches voted for themselves :D

     
  16. Desigirl

    August 12, 2007 at 11:48 pm

    aha! now it makes sense, that blasted list! i think they shld rename it to Ol’ Farts list!

     
 
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